Creatures from the Abyss dvd movie.|
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Features • PAL In Theaters : 2000 |
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| ♥♥♥♥♥ | Starring The Golgi Apparatus Of A Radioactive Crayfish! |
| Of all the Italian movies I have ever seen about the horrors of radioactive plankton, this is the worst. This film, made for approximately thirty two cents, has the worst acting and most inept direction I have seen in a long time. Adding to the wretchedness is the MTV-like quick cuts of inappropriate things from inappropriate angles. (Helpful tip to the filmmakers: just because you can edit doesn't mean that you should.) To even think about enjoying this film you absolutely must be fanatically devoted to enjoying the worst aspects of cheesy movies, and even then prepare to writhe in pain a great deal.
This film was also titled "Creatures From The Abyss" and is about adolescent longings, flying radioactive fish, and snorting high-grade plankton for illicit purposes. In other words, this is a mess. The movie opens with some teenagers including a nerdy guy and a would-be party animal (who may be the thoroughly most disagreeable character in movie history) and three girls in bikinis going onto the open ocean on a small inflatable boat in the middle of the night, where they encounter a mysterious abandoned scientific boat with luxurious accommodations including giant, opulent bedrooms with faux-fur decor, a stuffed polar bear, a (very annoying) Sid and Marty Krofft talking octopus wall decoration, and a demonically possessed toilet which talks (saying things like "The toilet tissue has malfunctioned!") Intermittently through the film we see jump cuts of flailing rubber tentacles from a half-man, half-fish, three quarters-badger creature whose tenuous connection with the plot is never completely resolved but does involve an oversexed half-woman, half giant crab creature somehow. There are also many shots of something pulsating that we infer is the radioactive plankton that the prehistoric fish have been eating to make them fly and kill. (I think; it's all a bit difficult to follow.) The nerdy guy discovers that these fish live out of water, fly, and know how to turn their victims into monsters by reading erotic stories about these mystery fish. (I am absolutely not joking.) This is confirmed by the discovery of a deranged plankton crazed, drooling, incoherent, scientist junkie in the bilge of the ship, who is accused of having an immoral relationship with the fish in question (ponder that, please.) When he is confronted with his crimes against nature his only response is "They were old enough!" (Making matters worse, his accuser then goes on to commiserate by saying "I understand! These things happen.") Interwoven into the plot are several other unsavory subplots including exploring the use of dried radioactive plankton as a recreational drug, unplanned pregnancy, and the least savory love scene in screen history, which, I am sorry to report does actually contain a giant larva tongue, inadvertent eyeball swallowing, and octopus wrestling. The whole thing concludes with some gross, yet horrifically unrealistic special effects, and the brainy nerd wading around in gasoline holding a lit candle. The film is a feast for not only eyes, but also ears, featuring some of the most ineptly crafted dialogue, delivered with the most inappropriate inflections ever, by the least likeable cast in recent memory. This is all topped off with continuous new age music that drones on and on (and on.) Truly a sensory deprivation experiment of a movie if ever there was one. In all absolute honesty I have no idea what to give this film for a rating. As a quality movie, it is sub-zero. As schlock cinema it is over the top. I settled on three stars depending on what you are looking for. If you are really committed to the bad movie genre, this is a must-see; otherwise you better turn tail and run away at flank speed now. |
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